The passage of time and all of its sickening crimes

♪ ♫ Listening to:
Nostalgia - The Chameleons

February 06, 2026. Wednesday

The things I would do to go back two years ago. I miss 2024 so much. I miss being happy. I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I even miss my annoying classmates. I haven't felt truly happy as I felt back then, I dont even really remember that pure happiness that I once felt. I have been feeling extremely nostaligic this week, I think it's because it was the birthday of one of my best friends. Oh how I miss her, she is so warm and soft and her hugs cure me. She is so conforting and amazing. I love her, I really do.

I'm not sure if I will ever feel as good as I did. Although, I do over-idealize the past and hate the present. I truly did not know how good I had it, why wasn't I greatful? I saw my friends today it made me feel both great and miserable. I love spending time with them and talking to them, their both smart and silly. It makes me sad because I know this happiness that I feel is temporary, it only lasts the time I spend with them. When its time to leave the misery and nostalgia comes back and everything goes back to normal. What also hurts is that the memories I cherish so much and are extremely significant for me don't matter as much to them. What was my happiest and highest moments for them probably was just a normal fleeting moment. That hurts. It hurts so much. Nostalgia is pain. It's a useless emotion, it doesn't do any good other than making me even more miserable. I wish I could go back to the old house, but I never will. I wonder if it will ever stop feeling this way, if I will ever be happy again, if I will make friends. Nothing feels good. The worst part is that I can't talk to anyone about it, I know what they will tell me. My mom will lecture me and won't listen to me. My dad will do something similar but less condescending. My brother doesn't understand. My friends will just tell me to go back to my old school without understanding any nuance. My best friend will tell that things are better know and that my old school has practically no reediming qualities and just be annoyingly positive. That's the purpose of this thing, for me to complain and write freely without anyone telling me anything. I just want this to be over. I just want to be happy so bad. That's all I want. To feel happy again. To wake up knowing my day will be good and that I have friends waiting for me, to know life is beautiful even with all the horrible stuff going on. Of course my life isn't that bad, I'm very privileged, I have things that many people would kill for. That's what makes this so stupid. I have everything but I'm still sad. It's stupid. It's all very stupid. I wish I could back and feel what I once felt. Tomorrow remember yesterday, huh..

This ramble has 4 music references, try to find them :>

I wonder if any other entry that I write on this site will be anything other than complaining, but thats for future me to decide. I probably look very whiny and annoying, which is not far from the truth lol.

I wish I was a man in the 80s-90s madchester scene

♪ ♫ Listening to:
Tart Tart - Happy Mondays

January 29, 2026. Wednesday

I FUCKING HATE SCHOOL!!!!!! EVERY SINGLE day of this week I have been having tests, IT'S THE THIRD WEEK OF THIS SEMESTER AND I ALREADY HAVE EXAMS AHHHHHHHHHH afoihkhyasfiomuw-]nfu09wn. I HATE FRENCH AND IT'S STUPID VOCABULARY AND CONJUGATIONS. EL ESPAÑOL ES SUPERIOR EN TODOS LOS SENTIDOS, PINCHES FRANCES POR QUE SU GRAMATICA ES TAN ESTUPIDA. I say as I'm writting this instead of studying.

Anyways, Leave Them All Behind by Ride is objectively the best shoeaze song of all time, I lowkey do want to leave them all behind. I'm so akward and stupid brahhh, today I was hanging out with my friend who was a friend who's music taste is kind of similar to mine but I dislike, and as a joke I sent him a voice note of me saying that I like madchester more than him and called him a poser and some other stupid stuff as a joke which was fucking stupid, I did tell him it was a joke liek 5 times because I didn't want him to think I'm a total ass. That whole thing was very obtuse lol, my friend was cool about it tho, she knows I can do idiotic things. I'm probably overthinking it. He will probably forget about it. Ignoring that whole thing today was descent, I managed to talk to some of my classmates, I got a 96.8 on my history exam, and most importantly I got to see my friend Pau who I never get to see, I spent all afternoon with her. That was fun, I always enjoy her company, she makes the world seem brighter, she's a very happy and sweet person. The title of this entry had nothing to do with what I wrote other than mentioning the madchester scene lol, but I do wish I was alive when that happended, although I probably would have been a total junkie, specially if I was born in Manchester, I don't think I could endure 80's Manchester sober. I should have been in the Hacienda dancing to New Order while doing E :(

I just re-read this today and realized I was just typing nonesense.

First blog, friendships, change, school

♪ ♫ Listening to:
Delaware - Drop Nineteens

January 26, 2026. Monday

Yayy first "blog" post ever, if you can even call this a blog. Anyways, I always want to write diary entries but I always forget so I'm hoping having a diary in this format will actually help me write stuff.

For this year I decided to change schools because I was tired of my old one, I had been there my whole life and I decided I needed a change, plus the school I'm now in has a better level of education than my last one and overal better programs. I'm in my second semester now. It's still hard. One of my biggest reasons of why I moved school outside of academic is because I felt like I made all the friends I could have made and I was just tired about being there for my whole life. I have never been a social person, socializing has always been hard for me but still I went to this new school with hope of making deep, longlasting friendships. My expectations were to high. The first day of school I cried and cried all day when I got home. Just by slightly talking with my classmates I felt like I would probably wouldn't make true friendships, which was unfair, but atlast, I was right. The thing is, I like my classmates, their funny, nice, and overal cool people, there are some guys that I specially like, their very charismatic and I want to become friends with them. I struggle heavily to socialize, I don't know how or when to aproach people and what to talk about, I'm not sure how people do it. The funny thing is that I kinda miss my old school which is ironic because last year the only thing I wanted to do was change schools, I hated everyone (except my friends). Like I said, I like all my classmates which is a contrast to my previous school, my friends and family knew me as the girl who hated everyone. I miss my friends :(, they never made me feel like I was weird or that I didn't "fit in", they're the best. Now I have found myself in a quantity over quality situation, sure, my class is great and I don't dislike anyone but I haven't been able to make friends and in my last school I hated almost everyone but the friends I had were real. I never had a lot friends but now I only have three, two of them wich I don't share classes with. Even if I'm technically not alone I feel lonely. It has gotten a bit better, not because it's actually better but I have gotten used to it. I'm not good with change and I have never been and this situation has proven that. On the positive side, I like the campus of my new school and I'm part of an exchange program meaning I will be able to go to France, yay.